3 Top Parenting Challenges

[Jeanmarie Wilson]

Parenting can have amazing moments and it can be really hard. We experience intense joy and love as well as frustration, confusion and worry.

What are your 3 top parenting challenges? 

[Stephanie Collins]

1) Determining what level of responsibility each child is ready for

2) Teaching HOW TO [rather than just getting it done myself, because it's so much faster]

3) Finding patience when they [yet AGAIN] forget to wipe and flush - an oversight that probably plays into challenge #1. How responsible can you REALLY be if you're approaching 13 and you're still forgetting to WIPE AND FLUSH???!!!



~Stephanie

[Jeanmarie Wilson]

Those are great Stephanie. They all resonate with me, especially number 3. Patience with the transitions, the various stages and most importantly, when their actions are not what you would choose!

[Alex]

Great topic.

We look forward to hearing what other members' top 3 parenting challenges are.

Alex

[utinker]

I only have my daughter and my wife and I certainly find a few things challenging. I would have to say getting my daughter to really understand how important her grandmother is in our lives and needing her to be more thankful and respectful. Being 11 years old my daughter's body is changing and she wants to have nothing to do with it. Those would be the major issues 
Great topic can't wait to see what others are being challenged by.

[Jay Krunszyinsky]

Teenage dating is one of my biggest challenges.  To allow my daughters to date was difficult at first.  I have to remind myself that this is part of their development.  I also experience challenges at these teen years as my daughters form their own opinions and beliefs that may not match my own.  I work to honor their views when we do not see the world quite the same.  The third would be their learning to drive.  All in all, these challenges were a growth opportunity for me as well as my kids.

[Stephanie Collins]

Bill, I had similar concerns regarding lessons about being thankful and respectful (for our almost 13-year-old son and our 9-year-old daughter). We just got home from a vacation to Mexico that REALLY made an impact on them! It was the first time they had stepped out of their culture, out of their comfort zone. At the resort in Cancun it wasn't all that much different from home, but we went on an excursion to the ancient Myan ruins of Chitchen Itza, which is further inland. It was on that trip to and from the location that the kids were exposed to communities probably much more representative of Mexico, and I was please when both kids made spontaneous comments to me about how different their lives are than people along the roads we were traveling, and how thankful they are for what they have. Then, on the way home from Mexico, we got stranded (along with 1000's of other passengers) in Dallas, TX. There were no flights, no hotel rooms, no rental cars - it was a mad house. It was the random EXTREME generosity of a stranger that allowed us a room for the night so we could get some rest and get on the phone to book a flight out of there. My son said over and over, "Wow...I don't even feel worthy of all he's doing for us; he's being SO NICE!" That allowed me to talk with him about the concept of "passing it on". It was a GREAT learning experience!

[Jeanmarie Wilson]

I love all of the examples. The issues of dating and driving were two that were difficult for me.

My top 3 challenges (although there are many more) would be:

1) Acceptance: This applies to different stages and phases: acceptance when my children made choices other than what i would have chosen of them, acceptance of actions I did not like, & acceptance of a particular path versus my expectations for them.

2) Patience: Learning not to sweat the small stuff has been a challenge at times.

3) Navigating the path to adulthood: Realizing they are not here to make me happy. They have their own lives and need to figure things out as they go, even in difficult times as it has to be on their terms.

[Stephanie Collins]

It's interesting, Jean Marie, that a parent of a typically-developing child can - in name - have the same challenges as a special needs parent, but they have entirely different meanings.

You mention acceptance, patience, and navigation to adulthood, and I completely understand where you're coming from. Acceptance, for me, however, means the continued effort (for 20 years and counting) to accept that life will NEVER be "normal" for us again. First it was accepting a diagnosis I had never heard of before, facing a "lifestyle" I never could have imagined in my wildest dreams (or nightmares). Then it was accepting the extreme challenges associated with that diagnosis. Lately it has been the effort to accept the reality that I will most likely outlive my child (with growing fear and dread with each passing day).

Meanwhile, I must remain patient. For instance, I am now at year 23 of changing diapers every day, (along with every other type of daily care for my 50-pound, 20-year-old, who remains at the developmental level of a 6-9 month old). Patience for these chores is sometimes REALLY hard to come by.

And the final consideration - that of navigation to adulthood. Adulthood, obviously, has a completely different meaning for us. The most notable difference is the bitter internal conflict. I often struggle with burnout. I'm tired of changing those diapers. I dream of a day when that's no longer a part of my daily routine.  BUT...I am DESPERATE to remain as patient as possible for a life sans diapers, because the only way I will ever see that reality is with the loss of my daughter.

These are challenges felt by many special needs parents...but rarely spoken. I, personally, feel these issues SHOULD be discussed more, in an effort to HELP with patience and acceptance. I recently wrote a blog about my conflicted feelings about having to set up (and follow through with) my daughter's advanced directives. I got a fair amount of feedback from parents in similar circumstances, thanking me for sharing, telling me they could completely relate...but that's as far as they felt comfortable sharing. Maybe someday the dialogue will grow.

[Jeanmarie Wilson]

Thank you for sharing so many of your feelings as well as the challenges that you face, Stephanie. The level of patience and acceptance needed in parenting situations certainly increases with the responsibilities involved in caring for a special needs child.

I am sure many parents benefitted from your blogpost and I agree that more dialogue with candid, authentic content is needed, even if it is difficult to hear. The only way to make progress in any area is to begin with the truth as it exists for us.

It is okay to feel overwhelmed, confused and desperate for time to ourselves regardless of our situation with our children. I have witnessed that parents of a child with a heroin addiction have similar feelings as do those who have a child with a bipolar disorder that is difficult to treat.  I have seen those feelings in parents watching their child undergo chemotherapy and grueling medical treatments time and time again. And I have seen them in parents, such as myself, who have more typical situations. Even  though they pale in comparison to what you are going through, there are time when they have the capacity to bring us to our knees.

There are many, many situations involved in parenting that stretch us to our limits while giving us the opportunity for growth and the possibility to find joy in the simple moments.

[Stephanie Collins]

Thanks for further sharing your thoughts, Jeanmarie. Your insights are intriguing and thought-provoking. I certainly don't think I'm facing challenges "bigger and badder" than other parents (years as a pediatric nurse certainly clearly demonstrated that to me!). It's all relative. One time I was in the hospital with my daughter who was recovering from a multi-hour status seizure. I struck up conversation with a parent of the little boy in the next room, who had just had his first seizure - one that lasted less than a minute. By then, hospitalizations for seizures were completely routine for me. ...But I'll never forget how distraught that poor woman was. Seizure duration had nothing to do with the level of challenge for us - it was all about the individual effects on the given families. I mean...if challenges could be quantified, there'd be no question at all as to which soldiers would come back from war with PTSD. It's all relative. What is great about forums like this is that, like I said, you can share 3 challenges, and I can share 3 challenges. They may be the same challenges in name, but entirely different in "practice". And it helps me, because it's a nice reminder on days when I'm feeling particularly alone with my frustrations and challenges - that I'm not! I hope my last comments didn't come off as a "Oh YEAH? Well, THIS is what challenge means to ME!" Parenting isn't a contest. I had just never thought about the fact that many parents can call challenges by the same name, but it's important to talk further, because the same words can have different meanings for various families...and at the same time, very different families can share in common challenges. 

[Jeanmarie Wilson]

Stephanie, you are so right about challenges in name and challenges in practice. - different experiences for all of us.

Parents are never alone in feeling frustrated, confused or alienated with our situations and our feelings about them. Yes, that what is great about a forum such as this or a blog that you may write. It opens up understanding and awareness and lets us know that we are not as disconnected from others as we may feel at times.

Your comments were enlightening and helpful to me and I am sure to others as well. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

[NickWilkinson]

I would say:

1. How much responsibility and freedom is enough, how much is too much?

2. When to let them fail and learn from mistakes, and when to step in and avoid disaster?

3. How to give them what you never had, but also make them aware and thankful for their privilege.

[Stephanie Collins]

Brilliant, Nick; $60,000 questions, each and every one!

[Jeanmarie Wilson]

Nick - love your answers. All of them have parents trying to find that fine line between doing too much and being overprotective or enabling our kids and not doing enough to give them the best start. It is a hard line to find and changes based on the circumstances as well as the child.

[Kelly Pryde]

1. How much responsibility and freedom is enough, how much is too much?

   That's a big one for me, too, Nick. Especially with my son who is a real daredevil and loves to push the envelope. The reverse is also an issue with my daughter who is very cautious and we try to walk the line of encouraging more independence and freedom without pushing her too far out of her comfort zone.

2. Patience.

3. Expectations. Remembering they are kids and not expecting mini adult behavior -- especially as teens.

[Jeanmarie Wilson]

Kelly, remembering that they are kids and still learning, even as teens, is crucial. It is easy to expect too much from this age group as they assert their independence often and push us away.

I think it was Judge Judy who said they are not "cooked yet" until the late twenties!

[Kelly Pryde]

I think it was Judge Judy who said they are not "cooked yet" until the late twenties!

LOL Good one!

[Keith Deltano]

Finding time to 1 eat, 2 sleep 3 romance

[Laurie Hollman, Ph.D.]

Challenge 1. Step back when you see a puzzling behavior. Think before you act. If you don't understand a behavior how can you know what to do. Take your time. You don't have to react immediately.

Challenge 2 Understand your child's mind. When you see a misbehavior, step back and then talk with your child about what happened. Track the behavior and see if there's a pattern. Try to understand with your child what is actually on his mind that is being acted out and put it in words.

Challenge 3 Build a strong trusting relationship over time by spending the time to have real conversations with your child--even with little ones. Don't interrupt them and let them say what's on their mind. They will learn to realize you are someone they can trust and feel safe and secure with when they have important secrets and ideas.
Laurie Hollman, Ph.D.