Should parents share their #Negative Feelings towards family & friends with kids

[melissa.meshach]

This is such a difficult topic, and my husband and I know it well. We both made the decision to exclude his parents from our children lives. It was sad and upsetting but we both felt it was best for our children. My husband has shared with me privately things that took place during his childhood, which he is still dealing with today. I would also like to mention the environment my in laws wanted my children in had medication all over the place and had no intention to put it away when my children visit. My son is 9 years old now, so we recently did share the reasons why they are not apart of our life. If the children ever do want to see them I believe my husband and I would agreed to meet somewhere safe, such as a park or diner. My children do know I have a brother, but they do  it see him at all. My brother was extremely abusive during our childhood, and I do not want to subject my children to him. When they become older I will explain what happen needn't why he is not apart of their lives. Good luck dealing with difficult area of life.

[AmandaK]

That is a great question bajanmum!  I think it really depends on how you want your children to perceive a certain individual...  obviously someone like a grandparent or an elder that you want them to respect and you respect regardless of the situation than definitely not.  However if it someone that you think is bad news and you want them to stay away from under any circumstances than I believe you should tell them directly not let them hear it in a conversation, exactly how you feel about that individual and I also think it is important you let them know why.

[Nancy Schroeder]

I tried not to focus on the person but on the behavior. For instance, when shopping we would see parents displaying bad behavior with their children in stores.
When we left the store, the behavior of the parent was discussed and how the child might have felt. I always reassured them that I would never embarrass them in public.
I always tried to teach them that respect was very important.

[jasmine.seng1]

Growing up my parents shared their negative view on family and friends freely around me.  I remember feeling uneasy when I saw them at parties and community gatherings because I recalled what my parents had been saying about them.  It clouded my view.  Unless a child needs to be informed of a person for safety reasons, I believe they should be left out of negative discussions.

[lesacap12]

I agree too this is a great topic.  I don't think we should openly discuss our hatred, dislike, or anger, and all the gory details in front of our children.  I know they can sense some of it, and I would wait for them to ask about it, or maybe explain it in a simple sentence.  Yeah, we have our differences right now.  But the full fledge discussion you might have with your husband, or mother, or aunt, etc., should be for adult ears.

[Patricia Powe]

I know it would be hard to ... but are we aware that how we relate to each other can effect our kids... should you paint a negative picture to your kids about their grandparents.. or should you encourage them to love them despite the way you feel about them.
Your views about this topic are welcomed and appreciated!

Oh, such a great topic this time of year when many families are all dealing with unresolved feelings over issues that were painful! I feel, unless a child is in danger by having a relationship with someone we adults have issues with, that they ought to be allowed that good relationship as long as it is a healthy one for them.

I can say from childhood experience with loyalty conflicts and my young adult transitions with those challenged connections, that when I taught my now-adult children as kids that adults have differences but it was okay to like/love the person with whom we were at odds, I would ask them to think of someone - a friend or a teacher - they got along with well and to also think of someone who did *not* like the *same* person they had in mind; one student gets along famously with the same teacher another student despises.

Then, I would relate that to adults having the similar experiences on a grown-up level. Keeping it age appropriate and allowing the positive benefits into our children's lives is okay; it is our responsibility to monitor the quality of the connection and intercede if it becomes necessary. This both demonstrates our trust in our children's judgment to build them up while monitoring of the situation is responsible parenting, in my opinion.

[LabRat517]

I It actually is inappropriate to discuss your (adult) feelings about someone with your children.  Your children have a different relationship with that person and it should not be "tainted" by your relationship and experience. 

I agree with TYoung28.  Kids can pick up that you don't like someone but be unable to understand why and that dislike will color their interactions with that person their whole lives.  You may get over your feelings but the child may well never modify their ideas.

[MTmom57]

I would say it depends on if any good can come from it. If there is any danger, then definitely, but if it just to vent...then no.

[Emily Learing]

I do think that it is important that parents be honest with children about emotions and the way that they manifest themselves. Many of the parents that I work with on a daily basis think that they shouldn't cry in front of their children because they've been told that this is showing poor boundaries. But in reality it's demonstrating to your child how you look and act when you feel sad. And without that experience, the child doesn't know how to act in that same situation.

With that said, this doesn't open up the opportunity for parents to trash talk the other parent or loved family members. Instead of saying, "I'm frustrated because I asked your dad to do the dishes but he didn't" a parent can easily display the same message without putting the blame on the other parent "I get frustrated when I ask people to do something and they don't help me."

In summary, there's a lot to be learned when parents are willing to be truthful with their children about their feelings about certain things. There's nothing wrong with sharing what makes you happy, so there shouldn't be a problem with sharing what makes you sad, mad or frustrated. But there is a good way and a bad way to do it. If the child is placed in a position where he has to take one loved one's side over the other, then that's the bad way to do it!

[Elif Ekin]

It was very important to me early on to treat my ex with integrity and respect. I wanted to be able to look my daughter in the face and be able to say I had never trashed him.

If she asks pointed questions, I try to be as diplomatic as possible. For example, his new partner completely trashed me and spread ugly rumors about me. My daughter has asked me if I am friend with her dad's new partner. I simply say that Mama has trust issues with that woman and there are some accountability items that need to be worked out before I can trust again, but that's my stuff to deal with.

It's hard sometimes to take a step back and speak objectively!

[OkohCinco]

I agree.  Kids can tell by your behavior and attitude even if you don't say anything. I would share with them if they asked me why I wasn't happy with someone
 Only if they're old enough. Kids are smart, they figure things out quickly.

[Cynthia Terebush]

One of my sisters and I don't see the world the same way.  I didn't feel like I should impose that on my children.  I was honest - I told them that we don't agree on a lot of things - but I did let them decide for themselves.  Today they are 22 and 17 years old and have a good relationship with their aunt.  Honestly, I'm proud that my baggage didn't prevent them from having what they do with their aunt.

[Emily Learing]

That's so great, Cindy, that you were able to let your kids form their own opinions. And it's even better that you're happy that they have the relationship they do with their aunt, instead of wanting them to think exactly the same way you do about her.

I hope others read your post to learn this very valuable lesson!

[Mercedes Samudio, LCSW]

I haven't read through all the posts, but I think my quick response is, "No!"

My longer response is to have a discussion with your family know your thoughts, but allow them to form their own opinions. Each person in a family experiences things differently and has a different perspective on things. When we try to force our opinions about family members on our kids then we are not guiding them to make choices about people and we are impeding them learning to use their intuition.

I think overall, you should first talk to an adult who you trust about the issues you have with a family member, but if your child picks up on it you can be honest that you have negative feelings about a particular family -- just also add they why.

And, of course, if the family member is harmful to you and your family I think that being open about it with your kids helps them to understand why they should not let people hurt them.

[Peter P.]

All kinds of unintended consequences can develop from sharing your negativity with your children. The first two big ones that come to mind are that your children could relate what you said to the wrong person, and it could get back to your target, and more importantly you don't want your children to become negative, griping people because of the behavior you are modeling.

It feels good to vent and I'm sure, in your mind, you are always justified in taking umbrage, buy when you hear your child speaking the way you do, you may not view it the same way.

Share your adult feelings with other adults and spare your children your negativity. If the target of your negativity acts inappropriately in front of your children, use it as a teaching moment to explain how members of your (immediate) family do not act that way and why. Otherwise, keep the kids out of it.

[Laurie Hollman, Ph.D.]

The key is the developmental level of the child. It's okay to talk about feelings and we want to introduce feeling language to our children. But mostly I think we want to hear about their feelings when they hear tense moments rather than speaking negatively about people they may hear us interact with. If they hear an argument, ask them how they feel. Try to listen rather than take a side. They need to understand people are complex. It's an opportunity to teach empathy.
Laurie Hollman, Ph.D.

[B032267]

I think its best not to. Kids usualy sence the tention if you dont like someone.