Can raising children in a #dysfunctional family setting have a negative impact

[bajanmum]

I know as parents we all would like our children to be raised in a nuclear family setting, but if the parents relationship is dysfunctional, would it be better to keep trying unsuccessfully or part ways and have shared custody.. where both parents can provide a more stable loving and supportive environment as a single parent?

your views on the subject!

[Iréné Celcer]

I have been reading some studies a couple of months ago, and of course now I cannot remember the authors, blame it on old age please that say that if a child is raised in an environment of high conflict, it is better that parents part ways. However, if the couple does not really get along but the family unit functions and there is no screaming, no high drama and no conflict, then children do better with both parents. The most important variable for children to do well after a divorce is that all else in their lives remains as 'the same' as possible: home, school, friends. Uprooting children at the time of divorce may not be the best decision. Also, it seems that post-divorce adjustment for children takes two years.

[VA Mom]

I would think that witnessing hostility & fighting in the home is worse for the child (& the parents).

[Jeanmarie Wilson]

There can be negative consequences to living in a dysfunctional family and divorce is sometimes the best option for all involved, parents as well as children. I believe that when the situation is difficult for a long period of time despite efforts to reconcile, it is best to make that move, even though it can be a hard transition for everyone. Despite the difficulties, there will probably be a lot of relief felt by all parties. Honest and open communication with the children is the key as they can sense, very clearly, when there is tension or dissension between parents. Letting children know it is not their fault by any means is crucial as is the hope that the parents can continue to co-parent with respect and fairness. The children will be watching how their parents handle this situation very closely. Getting the family involved in family therapy during and after the process can also be very helpful.

[Emily Learing]

In the early childhood mental health field, I use an assessment that looks at how available and supportive a caregiver was during a stressful moment. The reason for this is that the mental health field has found that it isn't so much the event that occurs in the life of a child, but instead the amount of support and guidance that is provided from a safe, secure and consistent adult. In reality, a divorce situation isn't much different than any other stressful event, and what is important is the availability of the caregiver during that event. If parents can cooperate and be supportive to the child, a divorce, neighborhood disaster or even death of a sibling can have a minimal effect on the child because of that support. And likewise, if the parents cannot cooperate and support their child, a conflicted marriage or divorce, or any other stressful incident can cause some severe, significant distress for the child.

[Patricia Powe]

With personal experience as a child of divorce and an adult who co-raised five kids in a stepfamily setting laced with high-conflict co-parenting, and with a peacemaker's heart as a mediator, I share that the unraveling of a family knocks the breath out of children AND their parents.

Savoring the shared nuggets of wisdom above, I have found that it isn't the divorce itself  that is so damaging but rather co-parenting conflict and chaos that hurts children and their adjustment capacity so much.

Now, the path to peace is different for everyone as no two relationships are alike. My words of caution are these: if it is challenging now, imagine adding another adult or two plus their children and all their wounds or baggage to the mix. My hope is that you will find a therapist to help you through your co-parenting and adult-connection issues before bringing new influences into the co-parenting environment. How you do that will be vital to the outcome overall. Kudos to you for seeking information! 

[Laurie Hollman, Ph.D.]

This question deserves individual attention to each family situation. Some parents can work things out with professional help and children can learn to express their feelings. Empathy for children is essential, not judgment or criticism of how they feel. When tension is high, everyone is affected whether they are vocal or not. Acting out behavior should not be punished but understood. There is no one answer for every family. Professional help is often warranted.
Laurie Hollman, Ph.D.