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Author Topic: Raising Adult Children  (Read 635 times)

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Offline Cindygirl

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Raising Adult Children
January 25, 2012, 12:58:20 PM
I find myself with 5 adult children (19-25). I thought it would get easier, but I find I am parenting just as much except their issues are now homes, insurance, jobs and of course their love lives.  they crave my attention but they want it on their time.  they want my advice but very rarely take it:-)   I am just amazed and wondering how others handle this stage  in their lives.
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Offline VA Mom

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Re: Raising Adult Children
#1: January 25, 2012, 02:48:20 PM
I don't have an adult child but I *am* an adult child.

Here are some things I have personally observed:

One woman where I work is more than 30 years old. She is still being mothered. Her mother even came into work to talk about a problem at work with her boss. this woman  rarely dates & when she does - she can't figure out how ot handle it. She has no life of her own. She has almost zero problem solving abilities and appears to be passive agresssive. She is constantly creating Karpman Drama Triangles where she plays the role of "victim."

My Brother in Law: My sister's marriage almost ended because of my brother in law's mother. She used her key to get into their apartment at random times...even entering the bedroom. She called by BIL away from dinner & other familial obligations to do petty tasks for her. I could go on...but you may get the picture already.

Here's my 3 pennies: Parents need to understand that their kids are already "raised" and try to set appropriate boundaries... remembering that their children are now adults. Advice should be dispensed sparingly and only when requested. Lending a listening ear & being a sounding board for ideas is much more healthy because it fosters independence, self care, and problem solving.

In fact, all through their non-adult lives parents should be working on this gradually.

I have no intention of being that mom who is still raising my adult son.



« Last Edit: January 25, 2012, 02:50:16 PM by Uhura! »
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Re: Raising Adult Children
#2: January 25, 2012, 03:02:13 PM
 Yeah that


Oh, me too!! I have two grown children ages 24 and 19. It just never ends! My oldest has mental issues that just showed up in the last two years and it has been so very hard helping her with her living an hour away and trying to get my granddaughters from her as often as possible and going to college full time. I have to give her more help than I would normally because of the bi polar and such. Her husband acts like there's nothing wrong and walks around in a cloud it seems, so I try to do as much as I can for the sake her and of my grandchildren. I am now looking into either moving my daughter and granddaughters in with me to try to get them stable or just the grandchildren. It's a very difficult situation.
   My 19 year old just started college and that's another whole new set of problems. His car broke down the week before classes started but thankfully we're going to the same college  and our classes end around the same time, so car pooling is working out pretty smoothly.
  I also have to young children ages 11 and 9 so the fun never stops.
 Makes me tired just thinking about it. I feel you on this one but hang in there. One day they'll be in our shoes and then we can sit back and just smile and tell them "remember when...?"
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Offline Cindygirl

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Re: Raising Adult Children
#3: January 25, 2012, 04:26:12 PM
@Eileen thanks for your response.  The funny thing is that they all have jobs and are self sufficient.  I find it's more the constant emotional support- Ma what do I do about this and that:-)   I wold like to add that I am going thru breast cancer treatment and they have all pitched in and helped where needed.  So, it could be that they all are a little scared and if they have my attention they feel better :-)
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Offline VA Mom

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Re: Raising Adult Children
#4: January 25, 2012, 04:36:12 PM
it could be that they all are a little scared and if they have my attention they feel better :-)

I agree - That could be it...didn't think of that.

« Last Edit: January 25, 2012, 04:36:43 PM by Uhura!, Reason: spelling! »
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Offline Cindygirl

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Re: Raising Adult Children
#5: January 25, 2012, 04:40:35 PM
 :encore:
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Offline VirginiaColin

Re: Raising Adult Children
#6: February 26, 2012, 10:37:28 PM
I love it when my adult children want to confer with me about big decisions or just want to let me know what is going on in their lives. If they wanted me to solve all their problems for them or spend hours every week devoting all of my attention to them, that would not be good. I like them as independent, competent adults who value our connection to each other.
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Offline Candyce Stapen

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Re: Raising Adult Children
#7: May 28, 2012, 10:26:09 PM
:glasseswink1:

First, let me say that I wish you the best in your struggle against breast cancer. I helped my sister through this and she's doing fine now. I wish you strength and health.

I think that your kids needing your advice is that they need you and it's easier to ask about XYZ than to imagine a time when they can't have your advice.
That said, I have adult children and they sometimes ask my advice. I value that because I almost never asked my mother advice. First because she gave it to me all the time without being asked and secondly because there was a sor t of unwritten rule that somethngwas wrong with us if we had a problem so we better not tell mom.

Especially now, please consider your adult children's request for advice a sign of their love and respect for you. And also, feel free not to pick up the phone if you need to rest.

Best,
Candyce Stapen   
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Offline Sandra Dupont MFT

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Re: Raising Adult Children
#8: August 19, 2012, 07:04:14 PM
Some teens (and young adult children) assume that parents exist solely for the purpose of serving them. Your job is to prepare your kids for the realities of the world, and teach them about the concept of reciprocity. By asking them to watch a younger sibling while you are preparing dinner, or requesting that they help pick up the backyard in anticipation of a pool party, you teach them that healthy relationships include giving as well as receiving.

Most parents I know want to give their children everything good, perhaps that they, themselves, may not have had. However, it is essential to prepare kids for the realities of life, and being independent and autonomous. One way to do this is to teach older children about the value of money by giving them opportunities to earn their allowances and/or save up for special purchases, like their treasured skateboard, iPad, or even their car.

Children of all ages often have no idea how tired their parents may feel at the end of their day, or the sacrifices they may be making for them. Although it is not a child’s responsibility to attend to their parent’s feelings, it can be helpful to be somewhat transparent about challenges you are facing in your life. If you consistently hide your feelings, your child loses the opportunity to watch how you successfully manage you feelings.

As uncomfortable as it may feel, it is okay to let your adult children struggle to figure out solutions to their challenges. I am reminded of the old proverb "Give a man a fish, feed him for the day. Teach a man to fish, feed him for life." Perhaps instead of doing things for the adult children, you can help them brainstorm about how they are going to solve their problems.

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Offline sweeti

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Re: Raising Adult Children
#9: January 01, 2013, 02:28:05 PM
I don't have any adult kids yet but this was a great topic. My mom still "mothers me" and I love it. I mean she is there for me whenever I need her to be. I am also there for her when she needs it. I know that I will always "mother" my kids, even when they are married. I think there is a way to do it, I just haven't figured it out yet.
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