What if YOUR Child is the Bully?

[Myra Fleischer]

What If Your Child is the Bully?

With bullying cases involving youth suicides at the forefront of the news, parents have good reason to be concerned about their children being involved in bullying incidents. But most caring, responsible parents never imagine their own children will play the role of a bully.
 
Bullies harbor anger, and tend to see the world in black and white. They feel they have been treated unfairly, and that they lack acknowledgement. It can happen when there is other turmoil in the family such as financial stresses, illness, or marital discord. In these situations, it’s critical to watch your children for signs and symptoms of reactive behavior such as bullying. It will only make a challenging situation worse for everyone if it’s not addressed quickly.
 
Bullying carries with it educational, legal and financial consequences that are too serious to be ignored. Could you or your bullying child live with being responsible for the suicide of another human being? Could you both deal with less dramatic but equally long term consequences, such as expulsion from school or jail time? Can you financially afford to defend against a lawsuit brought by the victim or his or her family? These are the real consequences of bullying allowed to get out of control.

How can you tell if your child is a bully?
Watch how your child treats other kids. Monitor e-communications and pay attention to popular websites such as MySpace and Facebook. Bullies often like to dominate others, hide their behavior from adults, blame someone else for their problems and derive satisfaction from the fear or pain of others.

What should you do if one day you get a call from your child’s school, telling you that your child has been bullying other kids?
Stay calm, and really listen to what you are being told by teachers or counselors. This isn’t easy, but you must be open to the facts. Begin working with school personnel to find out what’s going on.  If the negative behavior doesn’t stop, consult a mental health professional. You want to nip bullying in the bud.

Bullying can quickly escalate to create legal consequences.
If you’re concerned that your child may harass or harm someone to the point of legal action, consult an experienced Family Law Attorney immediately to discuss the best options to remedy the situation not only for your family, but for those who may have been victimized.
 
How families can help prevent bullying:
•Create a home environment of tolerance, where differences are accepted and everyone feels valued.
•Encourage your school to develop policies and procedures regarding bullying.
•Ask for a bullying prevention program to be implemented in your school.
•Intervene every time you witness bullying behavior.
•If your child bullies others, provide predictable, consistent, matter-of-fact consequences.
•Support the child who is bullied. Work with the school to provide your child with effective protection against retaliation.
•Encourage bystanders to speak out against bullying behavior and to report it to adults.
•Spend time with your child. All children need a daily, personal connection with parents, teachers and other caring adults.


About Myra Fleischer

Myra wanted to be a lawyer from the time she was a young girl. She planned to first get a business degree and then attend law school.  But due to the enormous challenge she faced putting herself through college; she instead took her undergraduate degree and wound up working in accounting.

Myra never wanted to give up on her educational dream. She applied to law school several years after college and was accepted on the east coast. Before she could start law school, her now-husband asked her to marry him and follow him from Philadelphia to Tucson, Arizona so he could complete his medical residency. She calls it the best though hardest decision of her life to give up that law school acceptance. Myra continued to work in accounting and gave birth to her oldest son, Nathan while in Arizona.

When Myra and her family relocated to San Diego, she once again applied to law school and was accepted at the Thomas Jefferson School of Law. Myra gave birth to two more children, her son Jordan and her daughter Sara while attending and successfully finishing law school in 3 years, all the while ignoring the advice of doctors and attending class despite difficult pregnancies and with newborn children in tow. Nothing was going to deter Myra from getting her law degree this time.

After passing the bar, Myra worked for another firm for several years before she launched her own practice in September 2001. Two years later she hired her first employee. Now in her tenth year, Myra’s firm is growing and developing new partnerships to offer a full array of integrated legal services to her clients.

Myra has a strong, unwavering belief in advocacy for children in sensitive circumstances faced in family law matters, always guided by her love and devotion to her own family.

Today, Myra is considered one of Southern California’s most prominent family law attorneys, and the “go to” choice for complex family law matters involving adoption, custody, domestic partnerships, pre and post nuptial agreements, and divorce.






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Note: This is a Guest Article written for Our Mom Spot. The information contained in this article is not a substitute for advice given by a legal, medical, mental health, financial, or other professional.

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[Eileen71]

This is great information. Thanks. I would hate for my child to be a bully. My youngest daughter tends to be bossy and I can't stand that. We've had a number of conversations about treating other children how she wants to be treated.

[JenniferPereyra]

My girls are still very young but I have already started asking my 1st grader about the bullies at school.  I ask her what they do and how it makes her feel when she sees other kids being bullied.  I do this because I want her to know it's not okay.  Not only do I want to prevent my girls from being bullied but I want them to be the ones who step in and interrupt it when they see it happening. 

[Melonhead]

I'm with Jennifer. I've always talked to my girls about how they want to be treated and how others should NOT be treated. 

[Myra Fleischer]

Eileen, Jennifer, and Melonhead, I commend all three of you for having discussions at home with your children about bullying. Bringing the topic out into the open and communicating about it is an important first step. Teaching your children that they can come to you with their concerns and fears will allow you to step in and take some of the actions I recommend if necessary at the earliest possible stage where they can prevent the most harm.

None of us can simply hope this won't happen to our own kids. We need to teach them that bullying cannot be tolerated and must always be reported.

Myra

[JenniferPereyra]

Myra-thank you for your kind words. As a parent these days, I often wonder if I am making the right decisions. It's always great to hear when one of the experts believes you're doing the right thing!

[Uhura!]

I have a question / observation:

Parents of bullies are usually bullies themselves aren't they?

Is a person like that really going to care about how their child bullying someone else will impact the other child and the other child's family?

I recall reading a story where a child who was bullied committed suicide & the behavior of the bullying child's parents was crazy. I wish I could find the link. If I do, I'll post it here.

[Eileen71]

That's a good question. I know a lot of adults who are bullys.

[Uhura!]

They say if you follow a bully home, you'll an even bigger bully.

[Myra Fleischer]

That is the real tragedy for kids when the parents are not supportive and are part of the problem instead of the solution.

Myra Fleischer

[JenniferPereyra]

That is the real tragedy for kids when the parents are not supportive and are part of the problem instead of the solution.

Myra Fleischer

 

[Bfry]

 :wow:Well done. I often wonder if my son will be able to hold his own when he grows up, having made some mistakes of my own. I only hope to keep on educating myself, such articles as this. Thank you for just straight up advice.

[Donna]

I don't think bullying will ever be stopped. The rewards are too big.

For example the biggest and strongest person always seems to win in the end. or the person with the most power.

People can't resist taking what they want if they can get away with it. Not many people really want to cooperate or negotiate with others for the greater good.

sorry if that sounds too negative.

[boneyfide liones]

As a parent who just spend all day in the hospital because my son tried to take his life from being bullied. I read all comments and it was great but if the teachers keep ignoring it then the bullies think it is ok to continue. I have reached out to many organizations for help and nothing worked. It seems like things work after the victim take their own life but i wanted to share this from my son to the world.


Please leave me alone By: Colin N Williams {Boston Mass}
I know you don’t like me but so what!
I came to school to give it all I got.
You make fun of me and hit me with books
All because of  the way I look.
I feel like going in a corner and sit on the floor
Because trust me I can’t take no more
To you it may be words but to me it’s pain.
I feel like leaving school and never coming back again.
You call me skinny; ugly you even call me Gay.
How would you feel if someone talked to you that way?
I am not here for you I am here to learn
Sticks and stones may break my bones but… my diploma I will earn
So you can keep calling me names because you are insecure
And see who will come out on top who will learn more?
Although your words cut deep like a knife "NEVER AGAIN" will I choose to take my life. Because what you may not like some one else will
My mom always tell me: Only the strong stand still.
I have read and saw the news about a lot of kids taking their own lives because of people like you but I am not one of them I will stand up to you. you are who you are and I am who I am. Always remember God has a plan
Maybe you are hurting deep down inside
but I refuse to let you take my pride.
So once again you can keep bullying and teasing me if you want to
But at the end of the day, clearly something is wrong with you.
Please leave me alone!!!!!! Colin Williams

[JenniferPereyra]

  is absolutely right! What a talented young man!  I feel for your situation but based on his poetic expression, it sounds as though things are headed in the right direction.

All my best to you and your family!

Jen

[Yasmine]

ms. fleischer, this was a very good article. there is lots of information about people being bullied and almost no information to help parents who have kids who are bullies. i wonder why? it seems like the solution would lie with them!

[Mei Marcie]

Anyone has any other if the ability to stand up to a bully in 'in-born' or taught by parent? I'm amazed at how my two year old was able to stand up to bully even when she's 1.5 yo and two heads shorter than the boy bully. She was watching the boy playing with laptop in an IT store and kind of followed what he's doing at another laptop beside his. He started to stare down my girl and stood closer and closer to her, almost nose to nose! My husband and I were right beside them but didn't intervene, then both of us were surprised to see our girl raising her head (and nose) to the boy and saying 'No!'. She didn't even ask us for our help!

After that, I noticed she could sense who is a bully and always sit/stand her ground, so proud of her. We co-sleep cos she's eczema and I've got to stop her from scratching at night and hope that somehow, that has helped her build some confidence (cos I've read that co-sleeping helps make the baby assured of herself). Just secretly hoping it's something right I'm doing and keeping fingers crossed that she'd continue to stand her ground even when older!

Mei